Nothing has
changed; same tune, same old song, same line of reasoning. The body got older;
but not the man. He said that he is my friend. But I told him that he is not,
because as I perceived what he is saying is his own mental concoction and not from his guru from whom he claimed is where
his teaching is coming from. The same person in a different body, who seems to
know my heart but asserts that what I'm saying is only a product of my mind.
Many years
ago, not knowing that I don't even know the reason why I am practicing the life
of godliness, he told me that I am threading the path of spirituality because I
want to liberate myself from the
suffering of this world. I was a young fool by then, one who does not apprehend
that there is a need to liberate himself from the suffering of this world. Knowing
that he will not understand and will not accept my reason, and knowing that he
is aware that the family of a devotee (ten generation before and after) will
receive spiritual benefit from the devotee’s spiritual success; I told him that
I am serving God to help my family receive spiritual benefit through my unworldly
endeavor. He was silenced by that reason, but this time ( years later), he is
more determine to impose upon me his own realization of truth.
And what is
truthful about his recent outburst of so-called words of wisdom. He said that because
I am not initiated; I have no connection with my guru. And because I am not
connected, I have no right to preach, spread the teaching, and help others. “By
all means be a Guru”, The Supreme Lord said. According to the disciplic line of spiritual teachers, devotional service is life; if this is so, this person, who claim that he is a
friend of mine, is asking me to die.
Clearly, for
him, I am not a disciple. I should have asked him the real meaning of the word
disciple; which most probably, if he is not a real disciple, he might would not
be able to explain. Disciple came from the world discipline; and for me, to
follow the teaching that I heard from my Guru is to discipline myself. And
because I follow and spread my Guru’s teaching, I am a disciple; although, I
have not undergone initiation. (I am pointing this out for the sake of
discussion and not to justify and brag about my spiritual status.”) To follow
the path of a bonafide Guru is not easy, it demands work and sacrifices; sadly,
some disciples with initiated names could safely say that the un-initiated are
not connected therefore their spiritual endeavors has no gain.
As if I am
not aware of the importance of having a bonafide guru and the utmost importance
of initiation. As if I do not want to be formally connected to the disciplic
line and ignorant enough to dare transgress the spiritual protocol. Initiation
is very important. But as I had always
mentioned in my articles whenever I have to explain my indifferent nature, “I
am easy, and I am not the kind who dream there could be more”. Being a singer
songwriter, most of my inherent weirdness are described in a line of a song. I
am satisfied of what God had given to me; and I feel that it would be too much
if I ask for more. Some prayers are better off unsaid.
There are so
many thing that I should have told him, but I have a feeling that he will not
listen to me. Now (a day after) I came to know the reason why he did not
listen to me: I am not initiated, I am not a disciple, I am not bonafide, I
can’t be a lover of God. I have no intention of making him listen to me for he
is an initiated disciple of a bonafide Guru. But he dared entered and disturbed
my fragile peaceful world, and he is somehow twisting the teaching of my Guru.
Gold is
trialed by friction, and love is not love if not challenged. Seemingly, He
talked without thinking; and it would be more damaging if he does. He crossed
the forbidden line; and despite my plea he did not listen and he did not stop. I
have no choice but to accept the challenge and entered into the bitter world of
debate.
My own
arrogance, intensified by the heat of argument, powered me to tell him that I
will not listen to him because he is not my guru. That he is only a third class
spiritualist, and not an advance devotee who is worthy of hearing from. I also
told him that he is an initiation fanatic, whose goal is initiation and not bhakti
or love for God. There are times that with cunning subtlety, I questioned the
core of his spirituality; thinking that I knew him by what I perceived him to
be. For me, he is a nutshell and hammering is one of my ways of breaking a nut.
Sadly, by doing so, I went down to that unacceptable level of consciousness, I
became exactly the enemy that I detest. Moreover, unfortunately, although
seemingly both of us are factual: we are in a different world; and the one who
could have traveled down to the other side was agitated and burning hot and
does not want to ride peacefully with the tide.
A man can be
very right, but be very very wrong. I was in the worst stage of my demoniac
nature. That is why even if I was right, I was very wrong; because I was not
where I should be: in the state of feeling lower than the straw in the street. During
the debate, I was in-heat evaporately soaring high with blinding pride. I must
have hurt him, and he might have perceived my arrogance; for in pain before we
parted, he sarcastically told me that he wished
for me a place somewhere in the illusory sky. He is not a friend after all, and he is not a
well-wisher; for his wish was so unkind. He is entreating for something I am
most afraid of: a place away from my goal, away from My Dear-most Loved-One. He
is a devotee and a devotee’s word is truthful and has power. For a time, I was
afraid; but as always, my faith in love and in God’s mercy had made me feel secure.
Besides, a real devotee doesn’t ill-wish on anyone; and an ill-wish usually
backfires.
We choose
our friends, but the gods choose our brothers. I am not sure which of the two
relationships is more beneficial. But probably, He was simply sharing to me his
own realization; unfortunately, I was too arrogant to listen and understand. If
I had not been puffed-up, maybe I would have earlier uncovered the foundation
of his rationales. I would had known that maybe for him, Initiation is enough; like my own personal indifferent precept that (sadly,
in this lifetime) following and spreading the teaching of the Guru is enough.
Monday:
4-7-2013
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